Sleep, now.

Hey would you look at that, there's a name for how & when I sleep!

"Delayed sleep-phase syndrome (DSPS), also known as delayed sleep-phase disorder (DSPD) or delayed sleep-phase type (DSPT), is a circadian rhythm sleep disorder, a chronic disorder of the timing of sleep, peak period of alertness, core body temperature, hormonal and other daily rhythms relative to societal norms. People with DSPS tend to fall asleep some hours after midnight and have difficulty waking up in the morning."

That's been me, my whole life. Forever. Since I was a little kid. My very earliest memories are of battling with my family about bed-times, and having to be physically, forcefully evicted from bed in the morning for school. Being really little- 4 or 5- and creeping downstairs to sit near the door of the livingroom to watch the television until my parents turned it off and went to bed, and then lurking around some more, and then finally, maybe, being able to sleep. Hoarding books in my bed to read for the hours when I couldn't sleep. Being exhausted, always, forever, at school- primary, then highschool. Having my family struggle for years to figure out a way to ever get me into bed on time, then out of bed on time. Spending entire weekends asleep to catch up on the hours that I lost in the week.

It has never changed. It has been absolutely constant in my life since I can remember. My exact sleeping hours DO change- 2am was pretty consistent for most of my teens, but 4am has been more common for the past few years- but I have never, ever been able to regularly sleep before midnight, or regularly rise before 9am without the application of brute force and the consequence of constant, all-day exhaustion.

It meant I sucked at school. I mean, I didn't objectively suck that much at the 'school' bit- I went to a selective school, and got a good mark when I graduated- but I was beyond appalling at 'turning up' bit. I was on time to school maybe two days a week, in the last few years of highschool. I nearly got thrown out of school for persistant lateness, and truancy (many were the days I'd stay home feigning illness rather than facing the humiliation of slinking in 3 hours late again). I'd fall asleep on the train on the way in and sleep til the end of the line. When I finally hauled myself in, I'd be braindead til some time in the afternoon, when I'd (usually, depending on how sleep-deprived I was) perk up and be able to pay attention.

It also means I have sucked at every 9-5 job I have ever attempted. With enough application of willpower, alarm-clock setting, making my housemates come rouse me, and the crippling sense of knowing that I will be fired if I don't, I can (kind of) turn up to work at 10am. But I'll be useless til 3pm, anyway, then probably stay back late to get work done in the hours from 3pm-9pm when I'm actually perky & focused.

It didn't mean that I sucked at university, however. Because at university, for almost every course I took, there was an evening class option. And I was sweet! I'd actually go, and actually be able to get involved! Except for the years when I was also trying to work a 9-5 job. Then it didn't really matter if the classes were running during my peak awakeness times, I was a fucking zombie anyhow from trying to make it through on 4 hours sleep per night.

It turns out that I fit every single one of the criteria on this list that doesn't involve laboratory measurements. Up to and including the "occasional non-circadian days". That was Monday of this week, when I had to be at a client office early in the day: it was easier to just stay awake and not sleep at all, that day, than to try to get a few hour's sleep beforehand.

At this point in my life, I have known myself & my sleep patterns for 26 years. I know how I operate. More importantly, I know the futility of trying to force myself to operate on a more socially acceptable schedule: I have thought myself lazy, castigated myself for being a shit employee, considered it a matter of willpower and discipline to sleep & wake earlier, have tried the most ridiculously involved and outlandish strategies to try to shift my sleep back a few hours, and it has never worked for more than a few days at a time, at the cost of any and all mental alertness.

So. These days, rather than trying to fix it, as much as possible, I structure my life around it. I know that I do better at, and try to seek out, night-shift jobs and work-from-home jobs. I try to maintain relatively regular sleeping & waking times, because even if you are sleeping from 4am-1pm, if you screw around with that too much you'll suffer. I try to make sure I get enough sunlight, because depression will hammer you into the ground if you have the double assault of (a) sleeping anti-social hours and (b) never seeing daylight (this one is a bit of a challenge in a late European Autumn: the sun sets at 4:30, and the afternoons are uniformly overcast).

It's a fairly recent thing, this coming to terms with my sleep patterns rather attempting to force myself into more normal ones. I've known it about myself forever, and suspected it was the case for some other people, but hadn't known it was any such thing as a recognised 'disorder' until about an hour ago. I suspect my coping & success (as defined by regular periods of sleep) will improve as I stop trying to artificially manipulate my sleep-times. It's a bit rough, though, knowing (accepting) that there are entire categories of employment that will never really be open to me- that attempting to take on regular-hours careers is never going to be any more successful than the unrelenting zombie-state failures of the past. That it's probably not a matter of just having a little more discipline, a little more willpower, a little more focus, and then being magically normal. A little bit rough, too, to accept that mornings (which are sometimes so beautiful) are probably not going to be a huge part of my life, except as experienced from the 'wrong end' of having been awake all night.

And to accept that I'm probably not lazy. It's probably not a personality defect or weakness of character. It's the way I am, and have forever been, and most likely forever will be. It sucks that the way I am happens not to co-incide with the way most of the world works, but like many other things about me that don't co-incide with the world's usual way of doing things, I guess I'll figure out my own way through it.