Merry Midsummer!
Before I left for work I was in an utter panic trying to get an outfit together for the Sly Fox, and after all that I didn't even wear it. I got there at about 10:30 (thanks to convenient technical difficulties I got to leave work early) and before I'd even had time for a beer I was fluttering around delivering Midsummer cards & gifts (many of them hand-made over the past week- I am so puffed with pride about that accomplishment). To my unending surprise, I got presents back! So still before I'd even had one mouthful of beer, I found myself in possession of a beautiful white frilly half-apron and a vintage all-cotton hot pink bikini set, exclaiming delightedly: "I love these so much I could just put them on right now!".
One beer later (so I can't even blame the alcohol) I decided that I would put the plan in action, and ducked into the bathroom to get changed. Putting aside my anxiety over wearing a combination of pink (bikini) and red (boots), I decided I didn't look like too much of a dickhead in the new outfit, and spent the entire night socialising in my gorgeous new bikini & apron. It was really fun, the way everything has been really fun since I stopped worrying about my sex appeal and began ignoring the possibility of scaring people. It's totally been the best lifestyle decision ever.
I don't think I have the world's hottest body, and I don't think that the sight of my half-naked self in a pub full of dykes wearing jeans and polo shirts was particularly revolutionary or uplifting. It was just fun, and stupid, and surprising, and so much part of that thing I am sometimes committed to of, you know, the world is a performance opportunity.
The only downside to wearing a small quantity of pink cotton & bakewear in a pub is that it's hard to get anyone to talk about anything else, and also people were obsessed with trying to undo the bows that held everything on.
In case you hadn't noticed, I am totally hooked on this time of year as feast-time frivolous festivity. Wandering around the Northern Hemisphere in November last year was scary and strange, because what was going on? People gearing up to celebrate the turn of the year in the cold, with snow? It's supposed to be about heat and the outdoors and plentiful good times! Although this year's heat has been a little disappointing, I am willing to forgive for a week or two of celebration with my queer family and birth family.
End Note: How does a girl who now owns THREE gorgeous vintage swimsuits choose which one to take away on holidays? The agony, the dilemma!
3 Comments:
At 3:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
hello, i'm a complete stranger who just happened upon your blog one day and found it to be utterly fabulous. this may be a little creepy but hopefully just amusing - i thought of you last night when doing my christmas shopping.
at k-mart they have released a 'My Little Pony' set of the game 'Trouble'. If you have never played this game, it's hilariously fun and the box is achingly pretty. Better yet it's only $17.99. i sincerely hope that someone buys you this perfect gift for christmas.
also there was something in your last entry that really struck me,
"it was really fun, the way everything has been really fun since I stopped worrying about my sex appeal and began ignoring the possibility of scaring people. It's totally been the best lifestyle decision ever"
i'm really interested in this change because i'm one of those people who is hopelessly self conscious and worrisome over other people's opinions. just curious as to what happened to make you change in this way and how you let go of all that worry.
happy xmas
em
At 9:28 PM,
Ali H said…
Em,
Wow, I am quite excited that someone I don't know reads my blog. Thanks for saying hi!
I'm with you- I really hope someone settles upon the brilliant plan of buying me a My Little Pony "Trouble" game for Christmas (or my birthday in a few weeks)- I've never played "Trouble", but it sounds fun. Last year I got a good haul of Hello Kitty-related merchandise, so my hopes are high.
About self-consciousness and related topics: I've been thinking about this for a few days, because I'm not sure it has a concise answer, but here goes. I think the first step to overcoming the crippling self-consciousness of my teens (apart from growing out of my teens, which has a lot to recommend it) was throwing myself headlong into a queer activist community that uses performance & participation in really wonderful creative ways. My heroes were suddenly accessible (local artists, burlesque stars, drag performers, DJs, party promoters), in that I could see them out at the pub & talk about what they did. They were people just like me who did fucking amazing things because they could overcome self-consciousness. And since they were right there, doing amazing things, well... what was to stop me doing stuff too?
It didn't happen instantaneously, but having a community & group of friends that encouraged experimental personal style & creatively outrageous behaviour definitely helped. I pretty quickly formed a concept of participatory politics that involved changing the world by being different within it- I really believe that creative non-conformity is both a survival skill & a form of protest (not that it's the only form of protest I pursue).
It was still self-conscious though. I was coming out at the same time as I was getting into this stuff, so of course I started to equate looking awesome (and distinctive) with getting laid & making a profile for myself among the queers I so admired. I was entirely capable of having an awful night because the response to my theatrics was muted or not flattering. I gradually got really good at ignoring criticism & funny looks from the rest of the world, but the queer community left me thin-skinned: I cared so much what those people thought.
Fast-forward a few years: I've been involved in more 'actual' performance, gone through multiple partners who would have preferred if I muted myself a little bit, faded in and out of active political involvement. I think the most significant thing though is that I've now been an out dyke (and femme, and kinky) for five years, and the pressing need to reaffirm those identities has faded significantly. I can now (and this was a big step for me) leave the house in trousers or shorts without cringing. I can do outrageous things without checking over my shoulder to see who's looking. I'm comfortable enough with myself & the familiarity of my world that I can fuck around with things and no longer worry what the response will be.
This has, quite excitingly, spurred or at least coincided with a rush of creative projects, all of which I'm feeling really good about.
So I guess the summary might be: Through the people I admired, I started seeing the world/my life/my self as something I could make, rather than something prefabricated I could get off a rack. Pursuing that concept meant realising how much more fun the world is when you're making it up as you go along. Self-consciousness holds me back from doing things I enjoy, so I pushed myself to ignore it until it seems to have almost gone away. Life is more fun, feels more real, this way, so the rewards encourage more of the same.
Sorry for the long & rambling response, but all of these things are connected for me.
Merry midsummer and turning of the year!
-Ali
At 8:50 AM,
Anonymous said…
long and rambling is the best kind of response. thanks for taking the time to write it. it makes alot of sense to me and i hope that's how things will start to unfold. i spend way too much time worrying about what other people think rather than expressing what i think and feel. your self acceptance and confidence shines through in your blog and it makes it a joy to read. even when you express self doubt, it comes across as very sweet - not viciously critical as some people can be towards their own vulnerabilities.
happy new year :)
em
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